Poetry 12

We found this poem several years ago in a library book; I copied it down and then lost the paper. Last week we were delighted to find it again in a different library book. Here it is on the blog so we won't lose it again!


The Hen
by Lord Alfred Douglas

The Hen is a ferocious fowl,
She pecks you till she makes you howl.

And all the time she flaps her wings,
And says the most insulting things.

And when you try to take her eggs,
She bites large pieces from your legs.

The only safe way to get these,
Is to creep on your hands and knees.

In the meanwhile a friend must hide,
And jump out on the other side.

And then you snatch the eggs and run,
While she pursues the other one.

The difficulty is, to find
A trusty friend who will not mind.

One of the worst

Not to brag or anything, but the Deseret News recognized me this morning for my bad writing.

Last year when the Bad Opening Sentences contest came around, I couldn't think of anything to send in. Then, as soon as the deadline passed, two or three ideas came immediately to mind. I wrote them down and added to the list from time to time, and this year I was ready.

The funny thing is, the one they decided to print was not the one I thought was the best (that is, worst). I'll have to come up with new ones for next year, and since I don't want the other awful ones to be wasted, here they are for the historical record.

The one they printed for "Best Local Color":

As LaVonda waited uncomfortably for the uniformed officers to use the "Jaws of Life" to extricate her from her mangled car, she pondered in turn the fragility of life, the massiveness of 18-wheelers, the difficulty of text-messaging while eating fries and driving, and finally, how she could use this experience as an object lesson in her next Sunday school class.


And here are the others. For the last one, you have to understand that there's an ongoing joke about entries involving talking unicorns.


Marcia snuggled into John's arms, thinking how lucky she was to have found him, and how different her life had been ever since the Liquid-Plumr of his love had eaten its way through the clogged drainpipe leading to her heart.

Fifty years, it had been -- fifty tedious, painful years of waiting –- waiting, ever hoping, yet hardly daring to hope; fifty long years had rolled on, leaving him trapped, unable to move in any direction, fixed in time by an insurmountable force –- at least, it felt like fifty years, but he had probably only been at the intersection of Bangerter and 35th for three and a half minutes before the light finally changed.

Doug had just spent three hours connecting and re-connecting the TV, DVD player, stereo system, and the new speakers, and now, as he thumbed the power button on the remote and the poignant notes of the "Gilligan's Island" theme song filled the room, he couldn't help murmuring in awe, "I must be a genius or somethin'."

Lying with his head and shoulders under the bathroom sink, an impressive array of tools arranged where he could easily reach them, competently and efficiently using his wrench, Jed felt like one of the engine room personnel on the Starship Enterprise –- not the chief engineer, it would be presumptuous to compare his moderate skill with that of the master, but certainly one of the trusted assistants -– until the trap suddenly came loose and his new identity was washed away in a rush of dirty water.

As Xyla the warrior princess, scantily clad in leather and ready for battle, galloped into the village on her magnificent Arabian steed, she was outraged to see that show-off Princess Xxyyna from the next kingdom over, clad in even less leather, dismounting from her talking unicorn to accept the adulation of the villagers for whom she had obviously already saved the day.

TV nostalgia

I grew up watching Sesame Street, The Electric Company, and Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. Our library has DVDs of the original Electric Company, which my kids have enjoyed watching. But we also discovered that YouTube has clips from many of these old shows. If you were a child in the 70s, see if any of these bring back fond memories. Even if you weren't, you may still enjoy them. What classic bits do you remember from your childhood TV watching?

Electric Company - Morgan Freeman as Dracula (This is M.'s favorite)

Electric Company - Good Old Apostrophe S (Good luck getting this song out of your head)

Electric Company - The LY song (The kids all giggle at this one)

Sesame Street - A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter (I remember this one clearly from my childhood)

Electric Company - The Sign Song (Another one I remember singing along with)

Electric Company - Another Sign Song (This one I really remember!)

And who can forget Monsterpiece Theatre? Some of these may date from later than the 70s, but they're still funny:

Monsterpiece Theatre - Dr. No

Monsterpiece Theatre - Hamlet

Monsterpiece Theatre - Monsters of Venice

Monsterpiece Theatre - Little Red Riding Cookie

I'll buy one!

I saw this sign downtown. Wouldn't it be great? I would buy one right now and use it to catch up on everything. Heck, I'd buy two or three. Can you imagine how much you could make if you were in this business?

Wise advice

The very funny John McIntyre, who usually writes about editing and language, gives his opinions on "Men's fashion tips" here. My favorite line:

If you have to use one hand to hold your pants up, you have compromised the benefits of bipedalism.